Who you want to be vs. Who you are

It sucks when you realize what you've been forcing yourself to be for the last few years is not who you really are. Like for instance, in my head I'm a fashion plate with a wicked cool sense of style, who keeps her house in tip top shape, greets her husband at the door with a large smile and the house always smells like some sort of baked goods and dinner.

                                                          

In reality it's a good day when my hair is pulled back, my clothes manages to stay clean for more than an  hour, and the toys are picked up off the floor.  Most days I look like this:

                                                                           
                                                                     

I'm only 31 years old...but I feel so old. There's an 8 year age difference between between Red Rocket and Bean.

Of course those are the pictures I send out to family, but the reality is most days they look like this:

Even at this young an age, Red Rocket is aware of his image and doesn't let me snap shots of him looking like Bean there, but really..he's not much different. What's my point of these pictures? Just this...my writing voice. I really really really want it to be like this:

Hard and edgy, with a cool vibe of oh my gosh! Home girl is getting ready to kick some serious bad guy tushy. The reality of the fact though is that I've got a decidedly quirky writing voice. More often than not what I wind up with is something more like this:

Cheesy, funny, and a little corny. Is that why I'm not selling? Because I'm forcing myself into a box I really don't belong in? I'd like to think I'm edgy, I've definitely gone through some serious lows in my life that have given me (I'd like to think anyway) a bit of steel...and yet, for whatever reason I cannot seem to stop myself from having my character tell goofy jokes and act like total nerds. Or maybe the stars just haven't aligned yet and I'm close, who knows...all I do know is everyday I wait to hear from an agent or editor, or each time I open another Rejection letter *grumble grumble this morning grumble grumble* I question every little thing about my stuff and wonder...is who I want to be, not who I really am?

Food for thought...